Here, in Part 2, topics 6-10 of “10 things that make or break a relationship,”I attempt to bring to a conclusion what I began in Part 1, topics 1-5 in last week's blog entry.
As stated in my prior blog entry, each of the below mentioned topics can be looked at as separate issues in and of themselves, or as pieces that together, create a much bigger collective puzzle, unlocking the questions we all have regarding our deep and personal unions. Since our love lives not only tie into our deepest hopes and emotional desires, but also our most profound fears and defenses, I hope this writing offers potentially helpful and clarifying information.
6- Infidelity
Mostly all of us have experienced some aspect of infidelity. Whether it is being cheated on, seeing the effect of cheating on a friend or family member, or doing the cheating ourselves, I don’t think any of us can say we’ve lived a life without being touched somehow and in some way by unfaithfulness. Cheating is as engrained into our collective consciousnesses as any long-standing traditions we’re used to thinking of as cultural mainstays. There are so many countless angles and aspect of infidelity, that I thought it would be pertinent in this writing to focus on the concept of how unfaithfulness affects a relationship.
What do we expect when we enter into a relationship regarding fidelity? Most of us don’t go into expecting cheating, lies and deception. But what happens when it does occur and how do we handle it then…?
I remember a client of mine who had been married for 30 years and couldn’t grasp how I was strongly feeling that her husband was cheating. She wasn’t being defensive or in denial about it, she just couldn’t make sense of it logistically; “He works all day at the bank, then he comes home to me, and we’re together till he goes to work the next day,” she reasoned. When I tuned in deeper, I felt something was going on at work. It seemed unlikely, as he worked in a bank – not a strip club or bar. But my feeling persisted. She assured me she would check into it, follow my psychic leads and see what she found out.
I did hear back from her a short time later, and sure enough; he was having a long-standing affair with a female coworker. The sexual activity was right there, in his office; behind a closed and locked door, as he was an executive in power and could get away with it.
Needles to say, she was devastated…She didn’t see it coming, thought she had a faithful husband, as there were no apparent signs of cheating at all – so the repercussions on her were dramatic: loss of trust in her husband, feelings of betrayal, and the sense that keeping her heart open was a scary proposition.
With this scenario, several repercussions can happen. In this particular instance, my client did stay in the marriage, at least at that time, but was quite wounded – and those wounds are awfully hard to heal. One person would head straight to a divorce attorney, and “take him to the cleaners,” while others would attempt to somehow fix things. It’s as if the relationship is a delicate crystal figurine – when it’s thrown against the wall, it is very hard to glue back together.
Many spouses, who experienced this type of ultimate and supreme deception, become shattered beyond repair, thinking it’s somehow their fault and that they somehow brought it on. Even if they divorce, the deep emotional wounds can lead to choosing people who are not right for them, as the healing may take longer than most of us are willing to wait before connecting with someone new. This is like having a broken leg, and beginning to jog on it way before it’s back to normal.
Often, someone senses something is wrong -- it’s in their gut. “I feel my husband is cheating on me…” But instead of trying to get to the bottom of it, they sort of sweep in under the rug, tune it out… even pretend this nagging gut feeling is somehow not real; “Oh, all of us get crazy feelings. It must just be my imagination.”
But it isn’t… Remember, if something feels wrong, it probably is wrong! Intuition doesn’t lie, and avoiding the truth won’t make the problem go away; it postpones the inevitable until it hits us, often right between the eyes. This type of person, even after finding out, may rationalize the situation; “Oh, no one’s perfect! He’ll outgrow it I’m sure. We all make mistakes.” Here the person keeps the gravy train of denial rolling for as long as possible. Not facing it won’t make the problem go away…
On the flip side of the coin, there are those who feel their significant other’s unfaithfulness down to the core of their very being, and they want to find out what is really going on. I’ve seen many people follow their gut level instincts, even doing seemingly strange things: “I just had a feeling to go to this restaurant, and when I got there, she was sitting there with the other man. I just knew,” a husband suspecting something shady going on explains. Often this kind of deception ends the marriage, as the spouse is willing to know as well as face the truth -- even going as far as to look for it. He may choose to end the relationship and find someone new, probably better for him.
Then we see those who confess their infidelity, not because they want to atone or because of feeling truly remorseful… There is a much more ugly game here – confessing to the crime actually translates into: “You weren’t good enough as my spouse so I had to do this; I’m confessing to punish you and make you feel bad about yourself and gain more control over you; I’m pretending to be honest so I can have the power to manipulate you back into the game and watch you tolerate what I do; I’m offering the truth to test the limits of what I can get away with and still win! This sort of person loves to stretch the rubber band as far as they can without actually snapping it. Frequently, the spouse here may accept this type of scenario once, maybe even twice, but after a while, the disingenuousness of this makes a partner fed up, feeling used, trapped and played. Most of the time, the one lied to ends up leaving, sooner or later. Confessing can also be a way of absolving oneself of ones own guilt, selfishly needing to be forgiven, no matter how it hurts their partner.
Sometimes one knows in their heart that their companion is being unfaithful – but their companion denies it, even vehemently. Every time it’s brought up, it leads to a fight; “I’ve told you over and over again, that I’m not seeing anyone. There is no one else,” a husband yells!
What can be done here? She can’t seem to catch him, yet she feels it – remember, this is the man she’s had children with, made love to for decades—she can sense what her man is out there doing. In this instance, we need to call upon a higher power for guidance, truth and clarity. I have offered the following affirmation to many of my clients in this precarious position, with great results: Infinite intelligence, if my partner is cheating on me, bring me the truth and the proof immediately! In time, the affirmation brings the reality of what’s going on right back to them, in startling ways!
I remember a client telling me that after using this affirmation, a small piece of paper with the other woman’s phone number on it was found on her living room floor – no rhyme or reason – there it was! After she caught him, she was free to know that she wasn’t being paranoid or over reactive; therefore, she was able to file for divorce.
The effects of infidelity can be devastating. Sometimes infidelity totals a relationship and ends it permanently like an atom bomb dropped onto a city. Other times people struggle with it, not wanting to see it till they have to, tolerating it perhaps till it becomes excruciating and they finally end up letting go. For some people, even their partner having a one night stand makes them end the relationship right then and there. Others who are in denial or afraid of losing the relationship, may simply be willing to live with chronic cheating.
Sometimes we don’t feel we deserve any better; complications regarding kids and finances can make getting out difficult; the hope of healing the relationship and also, because many of us just can’t emotionally let go and move on, keeps us stuck and paralyzed.
Since infidelity is culturally embedded into our collective psyches, we tend to overlook the devastation it can cause. It usually breaks the relationship, and even if it doesn’t kill the partnership entirely, it always makes things much worse…
7- Fear of Commitment
Fear of commitment is quite common in today’s society – maybe not quite as frequent as infidelity, but as a reader, I’ve observed it getting stronger all the time. I may surprise you with the concept that “fear of commitment” is often a complete and utter game; it’s like someone saying they’re partially pregnant – or having just a touch of cancer ---- sounds ridiculous? Think of it. The purpose of the “fear” is to conveniently limit and structure the relationship to accommodate the “fearful” person’s terms; you can call it “having your cake and eating it too.”
A person is only afraid when it suits them; when it’s convenient. Remember, you can’t just turn fear on and off at will. It is much too powerful and overwhelming of a force. Fear is about life and death survival, not being fickle, capricious and inconsistent.
If he or she wants to have sex, they’re not afraid at all, are they? If they need companionship for a while, then viola, the fear apparently just vanishes! But when his or her commitment issues kick in, they can’t be reached, go missing in action, and reappear when it suits their needs. It’s often a control game and a way of serving two masters: like worshiping both Jesus and the devil, overeating all day and fasting the next, going on a drinking binge, then staying sober a while. This kind of push and pull never works for the one on the receiving end – especially when she or he starts indulging in excuses and rationalizations for what is being done to them.
If someone was truly afraid, they would stay away from relationships like the plague. Do you know anyone who is really terrified of flying, who occasionally flies, then doesn’t fly for a while, then flies if they feel like it? Quite doubtful…
“Jim, you don’t understand. My lover has been hurt before. Their ex was such a monster, and they are so afraid of getting hurt again. That’s why they pull back, and see more than one person. They are just confused,” a client defends their back and forth lover. Here is probably the biggest excuse; That someone has been hurt before – therefore, their terrible behavior: from cheating, to lying, to inconsistency, to not being there for their partner, to being mean spirited, all becomes explained, even excused.
But wait a minute. There are two points to consider here:
1 – Is this person even telling the truth about their past? When I question a client who’s saying this, I ask them, “How do you know what they’re saying is truthful and accurate? Were you there?” Almost always it comes out that my client is only hearing one side of the story – their lover’s version, which in many instances is purposefully deceitful. Sometime a client says, “You know Jim, maybe you’re right,” while other times, they vehemently defend the person by claiming that I’m wrong and not picking up on them accurately as a psychic.
As a reader, I have witnessed countless examples where the person hearing all of this boo-hoo-hoo sob story is being fed absolute lies. The ex wasn’t a monster; in fact, the ex treated my client’s lover like gold. My client’s lover was the one who squandered the finances and cheated. So why does this person portray themselves as the little wounded lamb at the stake? That is obvious. Because they are trying to elicit false sympathy. If it’s not their fault then how can they be blamed? Victims are never responsible. If he or she is the victim, presumably one has to be patient, compassionate and understanding, which allows the gravy train to just keep on rolling.
2- On the other hand, even if this person was married to a monster, how and why does today’s bad behavior become justified? It’s as if to say that is OK if he or she treats an entirely new person terribly, because they were once treated badly themselves. It’s like a defense lawyer pleading mercy for his 40-year-old client, claiming that they had a bad experience at age 3. At a certain point, we all, including those who are divorced, need to take responsibility for what we do, especially in new relationships.
In this instance, here are the real points to evaluate: is he or she making any attempt to work on this “fear” and trying to heal their issues? Are they doing anything whatsoever to improve the relationship, in any way at all? What is being done to come to terms with their past? All of us have been through this and that – but that doesn’t excuse repetitive, chronic, negative behavior toward another person – it’s like a continuing orgy of alcohol and drugs.
It is like taking two steps forward, then two steps backward. In the end, you’re right back to where you started. Very seldom, does this sort of person heal and forge the journey to really make the relationship work, making it a waste of time for the person on the receiving end to: wait it out, hope and pray, give it time, or pretend that things are going to get better.
Then there are those who make no bones about it; they don’t want a commitment. Why? Because they’re selfish – plain and simple. They don’t want a partnership – with all of its obligations, compromises and the potential expectations of their lover. They view love as a ball and chain – so part of this game is to be totally up front about it; “Hey, we can hook up sometimes, but I am not looking for a commitment,” a man who is an old hand at this says to his new girlfriend. And the woman may think she’ll be OK with it, even convincing herself that she’s a big girl, and can handle such an “arrangement.” Usually, infidelity is an issue with this sort of guy as well.
Under the surface, the woman’s ego may think that in time he’ll change, come closer to her, and through her love and sexual prowess, make him commit. It is extremely unlikely for that to happen. This man knows the drill; can recite it in his sleep, like a lecturer who has given the same speech for decades to his audience. This man knows what he wants; casual sex and that’s about it. This “relationship” is like building a house on a tremendously crooked foundation – the house will eventually topple over and fall, meaning it’s never going to turn into a successful and meaningful union.
On the other hand though, there are those who are predisposed to fear of commitment for a variety of reasons and even though they are, they can and do change if and when they meet the right person. Sometimes it takes that special someone to bring out the best in another, when the match is really correct between the two parties.
However, the fearful person needs to be a sincere person and must in some say shape or form be open to the idea of working through the scare. If there is some degree of openness, there may be light at the end of the tunnel here. Frequently, these relationships may evolve clumsily and awkwardly, even with fighting and struggle, but if the fearful person works through their issues, that growth can make a relationship work! Besides an open heart, it takes tremendous courage to face one’s owns demons, but I have seen it happen.
I had a client who had met a man who she “clicked” with in a really sincere way right off the bat. He admitted he had fear of commitment issues, and committed to trying to work on himself. She, however, was pushy and wouldn’t leave it alone. “If you don’t want to get married, then just let me know. My biological cloak is ticking,” she persisted. This was pushing him away, and I remember adamantly telling her to back off, and let him be his own man and arrive at his conclusions all on his own; not be brow beaten by her. Luckily for her, she did just that – and in a matter of months, he proposed marriage to her.
Whether a person’s fearful claims are falsely stated, quasi true, or legitimately tied into what happened prior, “fear of commitment” will truly ruin a relationship unless healed. For those who are the game players, the game continues, with people’s lives being ruined. For those who are open, willing to work on themselves and legitimately willing to care about another person, healing can and does occur; and it is this courage that opens the door for a strong and lasting partnership.
8- Respect & Appreciation
I have heard so many clients express their frustration and despair regarding how they feel they’ve been taken for granted by their companions, wives or husbands. “I don’t feel appreciated for anything I do for my wife,” a husband says. Through time, the gleam in his wife’s eyes has gone away and the magic, once there, faded: hardly any hugs or kisses when coming home from work; sex is less frequent and rather routine; no compliments are paid and little or no respect is shown. “What went wrong,” he questions in exasperation?
You might wonder, “Why would anyone want to be in a commitment like that?” Of course none of us would, but then how do so many of us get from being truly once in love to being viewed or seeing our partners like “that old couch in the corner?
Often, this process is very slow in the making and over many years. It’s like overeating a little at a time, gaining a few pounds every couple of weeks to a month. In a couple of years that could add up to about 100 pounds! We get into ruts, patterns, and looking at the same person everyday is perceived as boring, or simply routine! We lose our respect and appreciation for who they are and what they’ve given us; “I’m so bored with my husband. I would love to meet someone new and exciting,” a wife fantasizes.
Here there is a choice; to slip into an affair, or try and build on what she already has that is real and positive. If she chooses to not see someone on the side, here is one way of beginning to enhance her marriage; this affirmation is an affirmative I have shared with multiple clients with extremely positive results; I now look at my partner as if I am seeing them for the very first time! By focusing on seeing your lover through these eyes, a new and fresh perspective emerges, which reinvigorates the relationship.
Sometimes a wife feels tuned out by her husband, and doesn’t know why. She tries to make sexual advances that are rebuffed and blown off. This is devastating for her self esteem, and builds barriers, not bridges. Here, the husband has lost his appreciation for his devoted wife, who wants to please him and like Chinese water torture, his neglect wears down the marriage one drop of water at a time, so to speak. He needs to open his eyes to what he has, or eventually, he may lose his marriage.
When something, anything isn’t taken care of, what happens to it? If you don’t maintain your lawn, how does it look in 1 year? A relationship needs to be taken care of also. Respecting your partner and showing appreciation contributes to that overall maintenance a relationship needs. Anything left unattended an unnourished, doesn’t prosper or grow; and eventually dies. If you don’t water your garden, it time, it will die too.
When either you or your partner finds that the respect is next to nil and the appreciation is sorely lacking, here are some tips that will help to bring it back:
Tell your partner that you appreciate them being in your life frequently!
This may seem small, but saying that or hearing it said, lights any of us up! To feel special is a priceless gift… Being treated shabbily is a dime a dozen proposition – like meeting someone in a bar trying to hustle you into bed…
Voice to others; especially family and friends, just how much you respect your lover!
Instead of the put down, “My husband did another stupid thing today, when is he gonna learn?” Try this, instead: “My husband is a great person and really smart! I really respect and admire him!”
Really make love and don’t let your sex life slip!
Sex is important to a romantic and intimate relationship – and it should be… remind your partner that they are beautiful, handsome, attractive, whatever nice superlative you prefer – but don’t avoid intimacy, or let it get routine – it’s not even as much about trying new things sexually, as it is to be present when making love – there for your partner and deeply into them!
Don’t expect –Appreciate
Just like we shouldn’t expect that we’re going to get exactly what we want in our daily lives, we should never expect or demand it from our partners. “I want a snack,” a husband demands, after his wife has had a long and trying day. His wife, normally happy to oblige, feels slighted, and not respected. She has legitimately had a difficult day. Wouldn’t it make such a difference is he had said, “Honey, I know you’ve had a rough day. Do you mind making me a snack?” This shows appreciation, not expectation, and more likely than not, she would be willing to make him the snack. Why? Because she loves him!
Respect your partner’s opinions and point of view
“Oh boy, what a stupid thing to say,” a husband patronizes! It’s obvious that none of us want to hear such a thing – especially from the one we love – but it is terribly common, even predictable.
This kind of comment should simply not be said. Why? Because it is disrespectful to the other person. And if it is said over and over again; year in and year out, it causes someone to simply shut down, which wears down the durability of a relationship. Always be open to what your lover has to say… and if you disagree, state your opinion tactfully. Don’t interrupt them, but listen. That concept of we hurt the ones who are the closest to us really needs to be flipped around to be, “We must treat those closest to us the best!” They have been making the journey with us – they deserve respect in return.
Respect & Appreciation are both qualities that need to be given and received – for a long term relationship to really work, both of these elements truly need to be there – it’s like oxygen and food – both are essential for survival. And yet, we can see how we may take these two great gifts of the universe completely for granted, as if respect just means that you’re basically not physically or emotionally abusing someone, and appreciation is an occasional thank you. But that is like saying that putting a penny in your bank account once a year will make you rich someday!
You know that old phrase, “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone?” Don’t let that happen to you and your partnership, through not respecting or appreciating what you truly have. Remember, long-term relationships that really can and do work for us are not common.
9- Consideration
Consideration is so often such a misunderstood term. A lot of people think that being considerate in a relationship is the same as doing anything your partner wants; always saying yes; not having a voice of your own or simply giving in. Some may see it in those exaggerated or caricatured terms because they’re afraid of giving up the selfishness and self-centeredness that makes them feel in control and get their way. With selfishness, it’s about the proverbial “me!” With consideration, “you” becomes equal to “me.”
Think of it this way; Consideration is the ability to be aware of your partners needs; to be receptive to what makes them whole and trying your best to offer it; listening to them with an open mind and heart, and always taking them into account regarding all decisions, choices and in every way. Consideration is not about being walked all over – it’s about balance and fairness!
Children are selfish; they take other kid’s things, pound their fist for what they want, and cry till they get a new toy. In short, children are not considerate. They’re not supposed to be; hopefully that comes as you get older. But it doesn’t ever come naturally or easily. It needs to be worked on. In the same way you demanded as a child and you later must sacrifice for your child when you become a parent, you must learn to be considerate of your lover as the relationship evolves. And some of us are naturally more considerate than others, but inconsideration is like a repeated, ever present metaphorical slap in the face…
“I don’t care if you have to get up early in the morning. Let’s have sex tonight,” a husband demands. “Honey, I am so tired. Could we just wait till tomorrow,” his wife offers? This type of situation is quite frequent. Whether the husband tries to force her anyway, pouts and ignores her, or expresses sincere understanding for his wife’s position, his actions show the degree of consideration or lack of it he has for her.
What do most couples typically fight about? Money and sex. Keep in mind that most people live out their power issues in relationships, as most of us don’t simply walk up and down the street, trying to control and boss around strangers – it is all usually done behind closed doors with our lovers where it may not be seen by anyone other than our partner.
With money, it shows who controls the partnership. Simply stated, whoever controls the purse strings, controls the relationship. Money is about power! If you’re even questioning this thought, ask yourself if men and women who are financially poor have the same stature and influence in this world as men and women who are rich?
When one partner is financially inconsiderate of the other, it can be a disaster in progress and break a relationship; “I just bought a whole new set of living room furniture,” a wife confesses to her husband. “Don’t worry; we’ll somehow pay it off.” The husband is angered – even enraged; understandably so. Were his needs taken into consideration, not just financially, but emotionally? He also has to live with the repercussions of his wife’s choice here…
Consideration is a day-by-day effort – it’s like showering. You probably don’t only take a shower once a week. For most of us, staying clean is a daily task. We need to look at consideration in the same way; each day has it’s challenges and its choice’s; and when we’re in a commitment, none of our choices are separate or isolated from our partner – it is like being joined at the hip – but in a good way!
For example: You’re hungry. Do you just eat, or ask your partner what they would like to eat, and make a collective decision? A friend calls up and says he wants to come over tonight and visit. Do you just make that arrangement without consulting your spouse first, as it affects them too, or do you ask if it’s ok with them? You want to take a vacation. Is your mind already made up where you want to go, or are you going to openly discuss it with your significant other so both of you can enjoy your getaway? By considering your partner, you really do give your union the legitimate opportunity to grow well into the future.
Through consideration we not only become better individuals, as the world is never just about “me,” we strengthen the intimacy, connection, security and potentially lifelong bond we currently share.
10- Selfishness & Ego
When you’re a championship athlete, a rapper or rock star, selfishness and ego may not only be good – they may be the very essential components that are actually required to get you to there – straight to the top – as it must be all about you!
But selfishness and ego are among the worst things in a relationship – destroying partnerships and people’s lives in a most horrifying way! It “being all about you” discards, marginalizes and ruins your partner, as they become reduced to a role of emotional slavery. But often, this is done on purpose…
Like two dogs that meet, and then fight for supremacy: who is the top dog -- who is the pack leader -- who is privileged and who gets to eat first? This process also can happen when two people enter into a relationship. Who is dominant and who is passive, and to what degree does that selfishness suffocate and strangle the other person, as well as the relationship?
“We’re moving to Florida. That’s where I want to live, so pack your bags,” a selfish wife instructs her husband. “But I don’t like Florida. I’m afraid of hurricanes and the heat is not good for my health,” her husband tries to reason. “Too bad, that’s where we’re going,” the wife finalizes the discussion.
The selfishness here, besides being just that, also changes the course of her husband’s life – potentially forever. This is not a small choice, like eating out or cooking tonight. He is stuck – he can either make the move, reluctantly, and experience potentially serious health problems, or stay behind, which may lead to a divorce or at least a separation. Either way, he loses, as he wants to be with his wife, yet shouldn’t sacrifice his health. Her selfishness completely discards who he is and what he needs.
“I just got a huge promotion, and bought a new Mercedes Benz,” a man brags to his friends at dinner. “I should be running this company in just a while. In fact, my sales numbers were the biggest in the company this past quarter,” he continues to boast. The friends, who are somewhat embarrassed by his prideful display, try to change the subject and ask his wife a question, “Jane, I heard you were thinking of going back to school. What did you want to study?” Before Jane can answer, her husband brings the conversation right back to himself again. “You know, I recently heard that I might be getting an enormous bonus at the end of the year.” His wife and their friends sheepishly concede defeat, and everyone has to endure this onslaught of her husband tooting his own horn.
Here, though, the ego is not going to be isolated to merely his career. It will always be about him: when he wants sex, what is being talked about, where we’re going on vacation, always having to be right and how we’re spending money. His ego is suffocating – and that is on purpose. He’s not stupid; he likes it that way! Jane is an object, not a three-dimensional individual within this marriage. His ego, through time, will get her so worn down that she either files for divorce, or becomes so imploded she can barely function.
Through selfishness and ego we function and build primarily from our root chakra, our survival chakra – the first chakra of our seven spiritual chakras – our genital chakra. What is the root chakra for? Simply stated; Sex and survival.
We must become giving and humble in our partnerships and in life – it is the way we are designed to evolve. We are not suppose to stay like animals who fight for supremacy, and struggle over who eats first (which is literal and also representative of any situation where one person has to be first and the other, second)… That is a primitive and disgusting proposition for human beings who must heed the calling of growing up, spiritually, ethically, morally and in plain and simple terms, just becoming better and kinder people.
This is of ultimate importance when trying to build a long lasting relationship. Two must learn to work as one and when two become one, long term success and happiness can be achieved.