“Bad Boys” are exciting and dangerous – just like riding the highest roller coaster or driving a car 100 miles per hour intoxicated with you hair blowing in the wind. It is all quite an adrenalin rush -- till you crash, and someone gets seriously injured or killed…
We scratch our heads, wondering why women connect with “bad boys” – yet it is as predictable as the sun rising in the morning that so many women will get hooked up with these types of men. Their friends and family plead, even begging them; “Get rid of him. He’s no good for you. He’s a cheater and a liar, and doesn’t care for you!” But rarely does one listen…yet is it unable to be determined why she won’t heed the warning…? There are always reasons why. And just like a building may have a basement, foundation, several floors, and at the top a penthouse, there are several layers as to what makes women click with and seek out (consciously or unconsciously) “bad boys.”
So in thinking of what and who “bad boys” are, here is a definition that is the basis of this writing; Men who do some or all of the following, in varying degrees; cheat, lie, don’t offer commitment or consistency, play mind games, exploit women financially, abuse women emotionally and or physically, and don’t inherently care about the well being and needs of the women they are involved with.
The basement – the subconscious mind
The core seed of what draws women to “bad boys” is far beneath the surface and what can be easily seen. It is not perceived or felt at the conscious or cognitive level and just like the basement is underground; the motives for these choices are hidden from view.
The real foundations fundamentally tie into a woman’s self image, self perception, self worth and self esteem. What does a woman feel about herself? Not just on the surface, but down to their inner core. It you ask a woman that question, most individuals would state that they like themselves, or at the very least, don’t wish to punish or destroy themselves. Who would honestly say that?
However, as we look deeper, down to the subconscious mind, we again ask, what does she really feel about herself? What I’m referring to here is when a woman’s self image is damaged, not just as a human being, but specifically as a woman: not feeling pretty or sexy enough, not feeling she deserves to be loved and respected, the unconscious desire to punish herself to validate that already existing feelings of poor self worth, that somehow she is just a bad person and the sense the her needs don’t matter or count.
These issues tie into multiple sources with varying origins: Parents who were overly critical and unable to be pleased, childhood abuse that is emotional, physical and / or sexual, and former unsuccessful relationships as well as failed marriages. Also, the classic psychological scenario where a woman is looking for Daddy applies here, especially if her relationship with her father was abusive, damaged, distant, out of reach or emotionally negative for her.
Past life karma and lessons brought into this life are a source for this dynamic as well; bringing in negative self esteem and self punishment from former incarnations, which facilities the need to heal oneself through initially attracting bad relationships, only to work through them to ultimately be healed and set free. Also, her soul may be at the point of evolution where these types of relationships are a part of what she chooses to experience for her growth and maturity on a soul level, again, hopefully to heal and rise above such self-destruction. As we can see, these issues are often complicated, but in short, these dynamics that one carries deep within add up to feelings of not liking oneself, as a woman.
And remember, baggage never just sits there within. It is a living, breathing three-dimensional energy that creates motion, momentum and movement, both internally and eternally. It is a call to action! This energy sends out a strong vibrational signal; like a radio wave broadcast to the entire universe 24 hours a day, every day of the year. That uninterrupted signal is like a lasso that wraps around “bad boys” and draws them right back to the source – the woman sending out this energy. If this woman was in a room of 300 men, she would magnetize to one or more of these types, as the law of attraction is ultimately powerful and does work.
The Foundation – the emotional bodies
The foundation of these relationships is actually built on quicksand and not a rock. It is not in the least bit sturdy at all, yet it may feel more rock solid at the time. What makes it all come together is a dark, exciting, compelling and all consuming adrenaline rush most of us call chemistry – the excitement, fire, passion, draw, and sexual electricity that hypnotizes, confuses and blinds us to the real truth.
The actual truth is that the chemistry, which feels so overwhelming and real, is a mirage. The mirage is the combination of emotional feelings on the surface that initially hook the woman in: sexual attraction, dynamic lovemaking, mystery, emotional danger, excitement and unpredictability. However the reasons behind the chemistry again, are based on what fuels it all from behind the scenes; all that is underneath the surface of the woman’s internal make up. Those energies, as mentioned above, are not healthy or enriching at all and destroy people’s lives. This “negative” chemistry masks or camouflages the real problems inherent in the relationship.
Regarding a new love interest, my client says, “Jim, I have never had sex like this before in my entire life! My ex husband was so boring in bed and I felt so trapped in that marriage, and sure, he loved me, but I wanted something so much more real and exciting in my life.”
Again, the chemistry is the camouflage. Being stuck in a satisfactory, yet from her point of view, boring marriage for years, made her feel trapped. Because of feeling imprisoned, she developed a fear of commitment, even though she doesn’t know it. Since these types of men don’t commit, she is never going to have to face her fear of being trapped by him, so in a perverse sense, she is free. Leaving the marriage made her feel guilty (under the surface), so a negative guy becomes a perfect match, because he will indeed punish and abuse her, making her “pay for her sins,” so to speak. Also, the excitement of “bad boys” replaces real intimacy, which requires a truly open heart from both parties to be present. It’s like drinking Pepsi all day; you get jazzed up, but there is no nutritional value, as opposed to eating a balanced and healthy diet.
Here, we see the motivations of her attraction, and they are not based on the higher or evolved self, but the lower and dark self -- and we all do have our lower selves to contend with. He will provide her with all of her negative needs being met: to not face her fear of commitment, having excitement replacing intimacy and the desire to be punished based on the subconscious guilt for leaving her marriage. There are reasons for her choices and actions, just not the ones she believed were motivating her.. Here I could say to her, “You don’t like him in spite of him being bad, you want him because he is bad.
There are several floors in this building – the mental process
Regarding relationships with “bad boys,” that old phrase “My mind is playing tricks on me,” should be rephrased to state; “I am using my mind to play tricks on me.” Through rationalizations, excuses and trying to construct a reality that is convenient to perpetuation the relationships, one weaves themselves into a complex web of self-delusion and self-deception that can be quite harmful.
“Oh, I’m just having a good time. I need a guy who’s wild in bed,” a woman wanting some fun says. But is she considering the health risks involved? I have warned women of the serious health consequences from being with a guy like this; some listened, and some simply didn’t.
“He’s a man – what do you expect? Plus, I believe that his ex wife was such a bitch. I mean she never stopped nagging him, so I got to cut him some slack,” a woman excuses. However terribly this man treats her, she will roll out the pardons; only seeing exactly what she chooses to see and not the truth.
“I don’t believe he caused his ex to file for bankruptcy. I don’t intuitively feel that he physically abused her either. I see a different side of him. She’s just saying this to break us up,” one rationalizes. Here, the woman is trying to create whatever reality she needs to make him OK -- not just by his forgiving his past deeds, but also by pretending they never happened at all.
Often, the intensity of the feelings give the relationship a false validation, allowing the mind to run rampant and define the illusions of “deep connection” to mean anything that is desired. It is like pretending a dollar is actually a million dollars. One can believe it as long as they want, but is it really true?
And when friends, family and loved ones get too close to telling the truth; having factual evidence of him cheating and lying, the woman can always fall back on the old adage: “None of you know him like I do,” as if somehow he and she have a special bond that no one in the world could ever understand or comprehend. Never forget, the more anyone attacks him, the more likely the woman will defend him to the death, as if he is her little puppy dog being kicked by an angry and vicious mob.
Beyond that, women will frequently acknowledge that “bad boys” are indeed bad news for females, but counter that initial premise with the concept; there is always an exception to every rule, and that exception is the man they are with.
Even deeper than that, a woman may assert her ego by deliberately picking a “bad boy.” Why? To conquer him, which would enable her to feel in control of the relationship. That “control” is designed to empower her, which in her own mind heals the long-standing issues under the surface as mentioned earlier in this writing. By picking this type of man, the challenge makes the conquest seem so much more of a victory, as he certainly is a worthy opponent. But what is there really to win here? He won’t love or respect her or help her to heal the pain, so the fantasy of control and winning is only a temporary illusion.
The penthouse – the “spiritual” aspects
As time goes on, one declares “higher” reasons, a “higher purpose” so to speak, as to why they’re with this type of man. I’ve had clients tell me, “This is meant to be. From the moment we met, I felt a connection with him like I’ve never felt before. God has put me in his life for a reason and I believe that he truly loves me, no matter what you say.” This woman believes that this is her spiritual “destiny,” and by having faith, all of the pain, abuse and suffering is redeemed in the end. In short, it will all somehow work out by the grace of God and he will love her. It’s like a movie that looks like everyone is going to be killed, but by the end, we’re all riding off into the sunset.
The lengths one may go to validate this “spiritual” premise are life altering. Many call multiple psychics, and enter into psychic addiction where they have to hear constantly that he loves them, will commit in the end and that the other women will soon be gone. Some become so obsessed with the situation that they lose family and friends who can’t cope with hearing about it anymore, especially when their opinions are disregarded, unless those opinions accommodate the emotional denial the woman is in. Depression and not eating can lead to not focusing on the day-to-day tasks at hand, and over time, create serious health problems. By being so myopic, one’s performance on their job greatly suffers, as if nothing in the world matters but “him.” In the worst case scenario, this can even lead to ultimately getting fired, leaving their life in disarray.
Sometimes we want a big luscious piece of cake, but we get spinach with no butter. One goes into a relationship hoping that things will work out and that they’ll walk away with the prize in the end. But with “bad boys,” there is no prize, but instead, the tough learning experience. We grow from everything we go through and in every experience; there is an inherent lesson. It may just not have been the conclusion we subjectively wanted.
Beyond that, there are lessons that are soul agrees to take on that may not be pleasant – and those lessons can tie into these types of relationships. Only God may know for sure, if we were supposed to do this, or on the other hand, it was simply a pathway that we chose to walk down, in the same way we make choices every day. And choices do indeed have consequences.
However, women who have loved “bad boys,” who want to break that cycle to attract and manifest healthy loving relationships in their lives, need to first work on recognizing the patterns. This requires looking realistically at any new man they meet and not just getting drawn in by the initial attraction and chemistry. Women must honestly ask themselves, “What do I really want?” Not pretend that their love is going it “change him” and that God is going to touch this guy and in a sense, make him what the woman wants him to be.
If a woman wants to heal and learn from what she’s been through, it must be done all the way down to her core, where the real issues that drive the ship are present – and that is a process. Through time and effort one can and will learn to like, respect, appreciate, value and most of all, love themselves first and foremost, to open the door to meet someone truly positive and healthy to build an enriching life partnership with.