I wanted to offer a list of 10 of some of the most pertinent reasons as to why a relationship ultimately succeeds or fails. Below is Part 1, topics 1-5 of a two part series. Part 2, featuring topics 6-10 will be posted in the next week’s blog entry to complete this writing.
Each of the below mentioned topics can be looked at as separate issues in and of themselves, or as pieces that together, create a much bigger collective puzzle, unlocking the questions we all have regarding our deep and personal unions. Since our love lives not only tie into our deepest hopes and emotional desires, but also our most profound fears and defenses, I hope this writing offers potentially helpful and clarifying information.
1- Choose The Right Person
We are often conditioned to believe that temporary relationships are somehow not really worth investing into at all. If it doesn’t lead to marriage, then why get involved? Women especially have often been programmed to believe that a man is not worth dating unless it is going to lead to a potential lifelong commitment.
Yet when we do get involved in relationships that won’t ultimately last, it is important to not try and make that temporary relationship a permanent one. Just like a dentist offers temporary fillings for one type of non-permanent dentistry, a permanent filling is for the completion of long-term dental work.
However, all relationships are not meant to last forever – even certain marriages are not spiritually destined to be “till death do us part.” There are countless numbers of lessons we may learn from our intimate interactions with others, as well as growth that can only occur with a particular person and what may be able to be mutually taught through being together.
For example: There may be a spiritual contract created between two people before incarnating to come together where they are to get married, have a child, then separate and divorce, yet still be good parents for their child. Here, there may be lessons on a deeper spiritual level that they’ve agreed to in a soul level. This may not create the rosy and idyllic picture we’ve all been conditioned to believe; that marriage must be forever, and that divorce represents a sense of failure. Sometimes, a relationship is only supposed to be there for a passage or several passages, but clearly, less than forever does not mean failure.
Here, we need to free ourselves of the shame, feelings of failure, regret and disappointment from all of the unions that didn’t ultimately last and learn from what we’ve been through and experienced. With that knowledge and sense of internal freedom, we can move forward with an open mind and heart to fulfill our mission; to meet and choose the right person for us.
Here are some tools to assist in selecting that right person:
1 – Do not emotionally jump into things quickly or impulsively. If it’s right, it will surely make sense in time and with a rhythm that is comfortable.
2 - What do those who love you say about this new person? If someone truly loves you, say, a friend or family member, they will watch out for you and only want what’s best for you. Listen to their opinions and insights; meaning, consider what they say, not necessarily giving the final decision to them, but having an open mind to their counsel.
3 – Try to not draw a premature conclusion when you first meet someone based on the initial emotional excitement. Again, it takes time for things to unfold, and through time, truth and clarity will be yours. In the meantime, though, try to not set up the situation where you could get emotionally or circumstantially stuck or trapped. The beginning of a movie never shows the conclusion of the story, so flow reasonably!
4 – It’s important to note that we should always listen to what our intuition says when meeting someone. However, emotional desire often masquerades as intuition when we “want” something. Don’t be fooled by your feelings pretending to be intuitive truth. If you’re not sure, use all of the above-mentioned tools, and know that the truth becomes revealed as it is supposed to. Make sure to have eyes that are open to see and ears that are willing to listen.
Choosing the right person for us has many components, and all of our past relationships should teach us what to do as well as what not to do. Wisdom comes through experience and with that sense of being seasoned from what we’ve been through, we look at what really matters: compatible values, someone who brings out the best in us and vice versa, a partner who is sharing the same goals, dreams and wishes as we do, and the person who completes us on a higher and healthy level. When a relationship is right it is hardly likely to be toxic – it will most probably make both parties infinitely happier than they were before meeting each other. Remember, if you’re choosing the ultimately right partner, look for your real, substantial and long lasting needs being able to be met.
2- Communication
If you always keep the lines of communication open with your partner, you stand a good chance of being successful in your relationship for the long term. Without good and open communication, the relationship will most certainly fail, sooner or later.
“Jane, why are you filing for divorce,” a friend asks, quite surprised? “I’ll tell you exactly why! He forgot to call me from work and tell me what time he would be coming home for dinner,” she exclaims! “This is the final straw!”
Of course, almost all of us would immediately realize that the divorce proceedings are really not based on a single phone call regarding dinner, but probably a breakdown of communication, extended over a long period of time.
It’s usually the accumulation of all that is unspoken that kills a relationship, each episode in and of itself not so important, or vital; and its usually this repetitive chronic lack of verbal consistency that ultimately kills a relationship.
When lovers first get together, often the chemistry, sex and intimacy is quite overwhelming; it feels as if it is simply too good to be true. These feelings hypnotize us in a variety of ways, often leading us to distorted and unrealistic long term expectations. During this beginning honeymoon phase, communication may not seem important at all. “We just sense what each of us needs,” someone falling in love whispers. This “bliss” may be able to extend for a while, but in time, two people can’t always spend their time in bed, discovering new and inventive ways to make love.
Sooner or later, reality kicks in; there are needs that each party has that the other person will not know – intuitively or logically. It becomes absolutely important to work through misunderstandings, conflict, and hurt feelings.
A crucial bridge is either built or not; communication must become stronger. This does not mean that the romance becomes non-existent; it just means that the initial excitement takes its course, and more of a balanced perspective kicks in. Along with love making, comes arranging schedules, making plans, becoming aware of each other’s emotional needs, working through conflicts, financial concerns and so on.
And here’s the secret: Do not suppress what you need to say, whether to keep the peace, of for fear of being rejected, as well as panic over creating a problem. “I just can’t tell him that I spent money on a new dress. He would be extremely upset, and start an argument with me,” a woman confides to her friend. In the short term, the woman may be able to “get away with it,” but in the big picture, this type of silence creates enormous problems. First, when we close the lines of communication we also shut down a part of ourselves energetically to the other person, like partially closing a door. With less openness, decreased honesty, and the effort of having something to hide, maintaining the relationship becomes terribly burdensome.
Try to say what you need to say and encourage your lover to do the same; tactfully; lovingly, sincerely and honestly. There are always issues, concerns, and problems to resolve. It’s like your garden. It you weed it regularly, it’ll be OK, won’t it? If you ignore the weeds, they will eventually overtake the flowers and destroy your once lovely garden.
Plus, learning to communicate which also means learning to listen, only makes you and your partner better individuals and strengthens your bond. Sweeping this and that under the rug is a disaster waiting to happen – although not necessarily immediately. It is sort of like drinking alcohol. Drinking everyday is workable for months, maybe years, but eventually, it destroys ones health and potentially their life!
Also, when you talk, both you and your partner should ask yourselves, “What is the motive behind what is being said?” Sometimes, people use honesty as a weapon. “Your new hair cut looks ugly,” a man says to his wife. I’m just being honest. Would you rather have me lie to you?” Here, tact and diplomacy are desperately needed. Are either of you trying to win when speaking to each other? This is also not helpful to building a state of mutual happiness. “I kept arguing with him till I wore him down,” a woman proclaims triumphantly. “I got my way!” Remember, a house divided is eventually a house that falls.
The motive behind what we say should always be: building bridges, resolving issues and conflicts, bringing about harmony and understanding, and by all means working together as a team. By approaching communication from a truly open and loving point of view, what to say and how to say it will truly be there.
3- Trust
Often a person has a hard time trusting another, based on past hurts and disappointments: “If I trust again, I know I’m going to get hurt,” a man says going into a new relationship. With this mindset, things are hardly going to have a real chance of working out. Through the preconceived idea that giving someone a chance is a dangerous proposition, signs of mistrust are always being looked for; even sought out. Why? Because as people, we often look to justify what we already believe to be true, all the while claiming that it is the other way around. “Every time I date someone, they prove to be non trustworthy,” someone defends. But in actuality, the fear of mistrust is so strong, that the person either attracts a non-trustworthy person, or pretends that an honest person is unable to be trusted. Either way, it turns out basically the same. The fear wins: attracting it keeps the fear validated, or looking for it perpetuates that illusion that the problem is there, even when it isn’t.
“She called me an hour late tonight. I know she’s got someone else,” he insists. But she told him and could clearly back up that she indeed had to do something for her mother. She even apologized for calling late. But the wheels of paranoia are turning, and won’t stop. It’s like that old phrase, “If you’re looking for it, you’ll find it.” In this instance, the suspicious person needs to acknowledge their preconceived prejudice, and work toward letting it go to be healed and free. By not letting it go, the past still reigns supreme over him, keeping him a prisoner of what may have happened before; but by releasing such old fear, a new and potentially wonderful person is given a legitimate chance.
On the other hand, there are those who carelessly and foolishly trust someone who doesn’t deserve such an endorsement. “I know there are other women calling his cell phone, but he says they’re all just friends. One girl told me she had sex with him recently, but I think she’s just lying about this because she’s jealous,” a woman in denial rationalizes. Most of us would say to her, “Girlfriend, wake up and smell the coffee!” Here, the trust that should be earned before given in return is not, and as the Bible says, this woman is “casting her pearls before swine.”
I’ve seen those who are so desperate to be in a relationship, that they put their blinders on and impulsively offer their trust to someone they barely know who is clearly dishonest and deceitful. “I haven’t heard from him for a few weeks, but he’s probably busy. I don’t have his home phone number, but I do have his email address,” a new lover says. Excuse after excuse doesn’t make things any better… In this instance it would be best for her to release him and walk away, validating just how much she’s really worth as a person and a lover. This way, she can move toward meeting someone who would work to earn her trust; showing her that he is legitimately worth considering as a partner.
Trust needs to be earned by all means, and once earned, always maintained. This bond is delicate, and when it is broken, like a vase that is dropped. It shatters into a million pieces; if you try and put it back together, you might be able to, but it won’t be as strong as it was before being dropped. This needs to be a two way street – it if is only a one way street, there will be a head on collision. Also, it takes two people trusting each other and living up to that premise to build a strong bond, but it only takes one person breaking it to ruin the relationship.
Why then is trust, something that is invisible and hard to measure, so important to make a relationship work? Because without it, you really do have nothing – nothing at all to build a solid foundation upon… How could you know what your lover is doing 24/7 and why should you try to find out? Trust means that you don’t have to check his or her cell phone, snoop at emails, secretly go through the credit card bills, question every minute unaccounted for. Trust allows both parties one of the greatest gifts of this world – the gift of freedom; to be free, together and separately! Its value is simply immeasurable.
So if you can’t totally and truly trust someone, is there really a point to trying to really make it into a long tern relationship? We should never offer partial trustworthiness to our partner; don’t settle for it in return either! That is not good enough to make it to the finish line! Always, treat trust like a precious bouquet of flowers in your hand – to be held with awe, magic, delicateness and wonder, as two people should treat each other.
4- Working On The Relationship
“Why would I fall in love, if I have to work on it? Love shouldn’t be work! It should be exciting and fun,” people declare! I’ve heard so many state these intentions in one-way or another. It’s as if work should be your nine to five job, and love should be the after party. But nothing could be further from the truth, especially if you’re talking about love as in “till death do us part.” But if so, what does working on the relationship exactly mean? Is it like slaving in a coalmine, or more analogous to maintaining your lawn and garden?
Often, guys (and sometimes to a lesser degree women) are lazy when it comes to love. Sure, these men want the sex, the convenience of a woman being around when they want it and how they want it, but when it comes to working on the relationship, they go missing in action, silent, or simply just walk away and find somebody new.
These guys are just plain lazy and really don’t care much at all – no, the woman didn’t really see how much he loves her in his eyes – it isn’t there – he really doesn’t care. Caring requires effort, and that translates into working on the relationship, which men who are cavalier and uncaring won’t do. The dream is not there – they don’t want to wake up to the same person everyday and grow old with them; they don’t want to put on the effort – the sex gives then what they basically want, and part time companionship on their terms satisfies any faint inkling for the need of intimacy. Of course these types of men are usually unfaithful as well. Here we see an example where someone won’t put any effort into the relationship, therefore, sooner or later, it will die.
Beyond that there are those, usually men again, but sometimes women, who “want to have their cake and eat it too.” This sort of individual won’t work too much on building a real relationship either. They typically don’t to work hard on things, but they want someone there somewhat, in a way that is limited and solely defined by them; more than just let’s say, a booty call, but with no commitment. Sometimes there may be dinner, occasionally maybe even be a trip, but usually not fidelity! These can be individuals who are married or already involved with someone; they want more than just occasional sex from another person, but not something that can truly grow and evolve.
Even on top of that, there are those who do get married, and things start out just fine – then through time, slowly but surely, they get lazy and don’t treat their spouse very special anymore, or work on the relationship. It’s like anything that is neglected – it goes downhill, declines and dies: don’t maintain your car and it will mechanically fall apart, forget to work on your body and it becomes out of shape, flabby and unhealthy, and put off doing home repairs and your house will eventually become uninhabitable! Since most people do maintain their homes, for example, why wouldn’t they then be willing to work on their relationships? Because of the illusion I state at the beginning of this topic: Love shouldn’t be about work – it must be strolling down the beach in fuzzy slow motion, giggling with martini in hand and eternal love making on the beach. It is this type of misconception that makes many feel “if you have to work at it, then it must not be love.”
What do we do to fix our preconception then, while still keeping the romance in our lives? First, we have to look at things realistically. It isn’t either great sex, or hard work. Both elements can and do coexist together. The intimacy can be beautiful while at the same time, both parties are putting in the effort to make the relationship work as a whole.
Here are some examples of what can be referred to here as “work”: Being aware of what each other needs to be happy and whole, resolving conflicts to avoid the pile up of unresolved negativity that through time caves in a union, thinking as “we,” not selfishly as merely “me,” trying to be considerate not some of the time, but all of the time. These things not only help the relationship stay strong, they help us as individuals, as we become infinitely better people by helping each other. Plus, the reality is that the sex gets better if two people are really connecting on a much more deeper level than just the initial thrill and excitement they had when they first met and fell in love.
5- Pre-Conceived Expectations
Wouldn’t it be a great fantasy if being in a relationship was like writing a romantic play: we could have our lover do anything we wanted, have him or her say the exact lines we write, see all of our expectations met forever and determine the plot and the outcome just as we pre-conceived it to be? But truly loving someone is clearly and completely diametrically opposed to that scenario. Things don’t often turn out they way we expected; twist and turns do occur and we can’t always control the outcome. So are the expectations we have reasonable, unrealistic, or simply impossible to fulfill? Here, in the last topic of Part 1 of “10 things that make or break a relationship,” I would like to address what I feel are some of the biggest pre-conceived expectations that really can break a relationship.
My lover should be extremely good-looking and physically close to perfect!
My partner must be well off financially.
My lover should always know what I want, feel and need.
My partner should always sense what my sexual fantasies are!
We should always finish each other’s sentences…
We should never disagree, argue or fight…
The right person will accept me just as I am, so I won’t ever have to change!
When we look at this list directly above of pre-conceived expectations, what do we find in common? This entire list is unrealistic and impossible to attain, with some of the declarations more obviously so then others.
A lover being physically close to perfect is quite a long shot, but we often see people being quite critical of their partner’s appearance. I’ve seen cases where a husband cheats on his wife, ostensibly because she gained 10 pounds. Physical chemistry may be important, but perfectionism regarding a person’s level of attractiveness and physical appearance is just too much – can everyone be a model? Also, don’t forget that people do get older, and no one looks the same at 60 as they did at 20…
Someone being well off financially is great, but is it mandatory? Would you actually not marry someone because they didn’t have enough money? From my point of view based on my experience as a reader, money can always be made, and let me tell you just how many countless numbers of times I have seen two people who have a strong and supporting bond make a fortune of money through working together as a team!
No one could know all of another’s wants, feelings and needs. Sometimes, even often, based on the connection shared, certain awarenesses will indeed be there – and sometimes simply missed. It would take being the same as God to forever without fail know these things. But do the two of you try to fulfill each other’s wants, feelings and needs once they’re brought out in the open? That is the real test…
Sexual fantasies are just that – inner fantasies, sometimes acted out, and other times kept within. Is your partner a mind reader? How could they possibly know what your fantasies will always be? Certainly, with intimate connection comes a sense of shared needs and feelings, but fantasies, often private, cannot be known all the time by your partner. In this instance, share with your lover what you’re feeling inside, as letting them into your private world can be inviting and enticing.
It is magical when we can finish each other’s sentences, and usually that may happen to a degree when people are intertwined and compatible – but not always, and not in all areas. If a woman’s husband was a mathematician and she wasn’t, I doubt that she could finish his sentences regarding calculus and complex equations. It is a magical moment when we do finish each other’s sentences, but don’t rely on it to validate the worth of what you share. Our differences and unique gifts offer a contribution and a surprise. Imagine, also, the pleasure of hearing things or saying things your partner would never have thought of – but can truly be appreciated!
Even in the best lifelong commitments we see disagreements, arguments, even fighting, (hopefully not physically, of course). Again, we see this thread of perfectionistic idealism; that somehow normal discord tarnishes the love, stains and taints it. The better way to measure this aspect of your relationship is to look at how these tensions and struggles are resolved. Did we learn? Do we compromise? Have we become healthier? If any of those things come out of any type of interpersonal clash -- that is victory! We live and we learn, and when learning happens, it is truly a blessing that is mutually shared.
What’s interesting about the statement “The right person will accept me just as I am so I won’t ever have to change,” is that is presupposes that being accepted means that one should never have to change. It’s like saying that if you’re healthy today; you’ll never have to work on improving your health forever.
Of course our partner needs to accept us; that makes us feel really special and beyond that, acceptance allows us to be who we are, warts and all. This unconditional acknowledgement and non-judgmental attitude permits us to let our guard down.
But that does not validate the second part of the above-mentioned statement; that we will never have to change. In short, it really means: “I can be who and whatever I want, and you have to accept it,” as opposed to dealing with your partner from a viewpoint of fairness and compromise. Relationships are all about give and take – it is the nature of partnership. You say “10,” I say “0” and we end up at “5.”
We change; we grow; we’re supposed to. Staying forever the same is stagnant and not in the nature of the divine plan and how we are designed. If we were to not blossom, out lives would never progress. Just as nature changes, we must move forward. But there is a difference between changing in a way that allows you to still be you, but become a better, more considerate and evolved person, versus changing into someone you’re not. If you’re not into lifting weights, you’ll never be a bodybuilder, nor should you try to be.
It is the very cornerstone of mutual acceptance, coupled with continual growth as people individually and together as a couple that makes for a successful lifelong partnership. Being selfish won’t work in the long run – it never really does -- but working together will.
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