What actually is cheating… doesn’t everyone already know what it is? Having sex with someone other than the person you’re with, right…? Being unfaithful, you know, seeing someone else on the side behind your partner’s back, c’mon - strip clubs, prostitutes, one night stands behind your lovers back, a man’s mistress, that dangerous bad boy toy on the side for a bored housewife…
But you might be surprised to learn that so many people have quite varying and diverse standards as to exactly what it is to cheat. It’s obvious that everyone would agree that someone who is secretly having actual sexual intercourse with another person than who they’re in a committed relationship with, does constitute infidelity. But what about those who engage in just oral sex without intercourse – kissing and touching? Does flirting pass the test? Cyber sex on the internet, exchanging lewd pictures…Does even the mere thought and sexual fantasy of someone without any actual physical activity rise to the level of infidelity?
I’ve had clients share with me that they were more devastated by their spouses “emotional cheating;” meaning the sharing of emotional intimacy with someone who they did not have any physical sex with, as opposed to their partner simply having sex with another, say a one-night stand. Many clients have claimed to me that receiving oral sex does not rise to the level of infidelity, and that cyber sex on the internet is safe, clean and of no harm to their lovers.
Any or all of these criteria can be looked at in any number of ways, and for the purpose of this writing, all of these realities may be included and considered. Each of you, as the reader, can decide, perhaps in a mix and match way, which, or how many of these above-mentioned issues you consider to constitute infidelity. In every partnership, the two people need to set the parameters of the relationship and what defines infidelity. When one or both people step outside of the agreed to parameters, it constitutes infidelity. With that in mind, let’s look at some of the reasons why people are unfaithful.
What does infidelity really do to a relationship – does it end it flat like a wrecking ball knocking down a home and destroy people’s lives permanently? Does it sort of get swept under the rug, overlooked, sending the relationship into a strange kind of limbo? Could it even be a vehicle for healing and growth, as in learning from our mistakes, facilitating a renewal of the bond people share? Here, I would like to address various reasons why people are unfaithful, and their respective repercussions on relationships in the short and the long run.
“John, why are you cheating on your wife? She’s a fantastic woman, great to look at, sexy, totally into you, and adores you,” a buddy questions? “Because I can,” John flatly responds, as so many unfaithful men do. John is your most stereotypic type of cheater: arrogant, wants the thrill of the chase and the catch, feels it’s his birthright as a man to go out there and do what he wants, is full of himself, all the while wanting to have his cake and eat it too. Certainly, John would never be the sort of guy to put up with his wife doing the same, or care about what he’s doing to her: from a health perspective, betrayal, and the emotional and psychological damage she will incur if and when she finds out.
This type of infidelity usually has nothing sympathetic attached to it; it’s not as if his wife won’t make love to him, or that she’s disrespectful of his dignity, so therefore he needs to find someone who can be there for him – this is selfishness and uncaringness at it’s strongest and most flagrant. It’s like a bully who picks fights just to flex his muscle and establish dominance and power over others merely to self gratify his ego.
With this type of cheating, it’s very hard to stop a man like John; it’s not that his wife is the problem at all – but once she finds out about his dishonest ways because or picking up a sexually transmitted disease from John’s continued stepping out, she becomes devastated and says: “I failed as a wife – I must not be pretty enough—Certainly I don’t satisfy him sexually. If I did, why would he have to look somewhere else?”
Wait a minute, though – this woman is not looking at the motive behind John’s cheating – it’s none of those things she feared about herself. This is John’s enormous and self-centered arrogance at play. You could give him the most attractive model in the world who’s totally into him and he would do the exact same thing to her. It is about him, not about his wife. In short, there’s nothing wrong with her as a woman.
In this instance, her self-esteem gets destroyed, her self-image as a woman goes dramatically downhill and she loses her ability to trust. With this scenario, it is most likely that sooner or later, the marriage between John and his wife will simply end – but it’s not that simple. Due to John’s infidelity, his wife has had her self esteem flatlined, may go into a serious tail spin of depression where she becomes obsessed with not being good enough, legitimately has a health crisis from the physical act of the cheating, looses her ability to trust John, other men, and even life itself. The repercussions here are absolutely devastating.
Let’s look at Allan, another married man, who is not the continual cheater as in the case of John. In Allan’s case, he’s an example of a person who sometimes takes for granted what they have at home, gets bored, and carelessly slides into an affair. “It just happened. I wasn’t looking for it,” Allan sheepishly explains. “Maybe it’s because my wife gained ten pounds. I don’t know. I just wanted something different.”
Here, unnecessary pain is incurred by his wife who didn’t see it coming, has to decide whether to view this as an isolated incident or a long-term pattern, and must struggle with the proposition of rebuilding her trust in her husband who she has always believed in. Extra work is created here, with damage that is quite palpable and hard to totally repair. It’s like a car that was in an accident – the car was not totaled but there’s significant damage. How easy is it to really bring the vehicle back to the condition it was in before the accident?
Sometimes a woman has tried everything they can to make their relationship work. Fighting being ignored, dismissed and disregarded, the person does their best to hang in and hope for things to get better. After their overall needs, especially their intimate ones have not been met for years, even decades, they being to look elsewhere, or at least become open to someone new. “I never wanted to cheat on my husband, but this new guy talks to me, cares about what I feel and need, so I couldn’t help myself. “I‘m falling in love,” a wife at the end of her rope explains.
Here we see how the husband has neglected his marriage to the potential point of no return. The possible cure may be too late. Before things went this far, the husband could have probably repaired the union, through increased intimacy, being attentive to his wife’s needs, and simply being a husband. As a reader, I have very seldom seen a marriage damaged to this degree ever repair itself and last.
The husband may have not seen it coming even though one could say that through his neglect of his wife, he helped to set it up. It’s still easy for him to be quite upset, though; perhaps if the wife came to her husband first, before anything much developed with the other man, this blow could have at least been somewhat softened.
Beyond that, there are those instances where a relationship, even a once happy marriage, has run its course through two people legitimately growing apart and either one, or both people finding someone new, even through infidelity. As complex as these situations may often be, in the end, moving on seems to be the best thing for both people who are no longer satisfied together. It may be indeed better if the ties are severed first, then new lovers are found, but often, things don’t evolve in such a tidy and clear-cut way. Sometimes, while still being married, a new relationship for one or both parties facilitates and motivates the actual end of the stagnant and miserable marriage. All in all, both parties end up happier apart.
Serial cheaters, such as John, mentioned above in this writing, are unlikely to ever change. Why? It’s a simple answer -- they don’t want to. It’s like telling someone who loves his or her alcohol and can’t wait to order another drink to stop drinking and go to AA. They have no desire to; just like John, who won’t even entertain the idea of stopping cheating. However, for those who slid into the affair as in the case of Allan, there may perhaps still be a chance to fix things, as his actions have not been a repetitive occurrence and happened carelessly, even clumsily.
For those who get found out only ‘cause they got caught, and falsely, often dramatically pledge their loyalty to their partner, cheating is likely to occur again. If the motive of the cheater is to keep their primary partner in their lives, but still have action on the side, all of the tears in the world are completely disingenuous and false – even theatrical camp.
For example: “Jim, he’s a man. You know, men do cheat. Whatever he does out there in the streets in his business. He comes home to ME every night. Plus, when I found out, he even cried.” My response is that criminals also cry when they get sentenced; is the reason for their tears because they feel empathy for their crimes and victims, or because they know they are going off to prison? The answer is obvious…
This type of rationalization just keeps this mess going – till any number of things can and do happen: outside pregnancies, health risks and things falling apart. Here, the woman is going to blow it off, live in denial, obfuscate the issues, and continue to go along with it, as if she was driving a car blindfold down the street. A crash will certainly occur.
It’s hard to put into words the atomic, destructive, frightening even deadly consequences of infidelity: From anger, rage, hurt, loss of trust, betrayal, financial collapse, even suicide and murder; cheating often turns people’s lives upside down – almost always not for the better.
In a perfect world where lovers tell the truth to each other, things are infinitely much easier, regardless of the long-term success or failure of a given relationship. And in certain instances, a marriage can be saved, even after infidelity. Where there is remorse, there can be forgiveness and things can be fixed. When there is accountability without excuses, one can change for the better while learning from their mistakes. There are times where people do heal, grow, and rebuild what they’ve invested long and hard into. The keys are: accountability for past actions, remorse, the commitment to change for the better and the sincere attempt to repair the damage already done to your partner!
If one is truly wanting to make their relationship work, the best thing to do is to always tell the truth when it comes to infidelity and potential infidelity, preferably before cheating. Even if people separate, there is a much more likely chance for people to move on successfully in their future relationships. Honesty also allows certain relationships to be saved, everyone’s lives mad more peaceful, devastation avoided, with everyone’s dignity remaining intact and most of all, a better bond built.
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